Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
