I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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