I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
