Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
