Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
