She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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