Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
