Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
