on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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