I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
