my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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