I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
