you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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