also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
