Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just cut my nipple shaving
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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