i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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