she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My feet surprised me
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