I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
not ubering you a puppy
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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