The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
