So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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