I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize