you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I still have a little drunk in my system
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
