For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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