She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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