Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
