Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
