My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize