I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
