I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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