I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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