If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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