it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize