anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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