You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
