I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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