I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
