grandma shit on top of the toilet
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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