I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
