I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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