seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
