FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize