you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
