fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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