Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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