Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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