shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Randomize
