I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Randomize
