I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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