Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
