I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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