I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
