cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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