i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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