I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
