I faked an abortion last night.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
