Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
