That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
