The maid of honor just puked.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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