Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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