I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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