I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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