Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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