I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize