i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
