fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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