what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
