I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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