he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
