If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize