WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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